Jun 26 2008
Secrets and Lies
I am struck by the tendency for us not to trust each other. We hide all sorts of secrets from each other: opinions, ideas, truths about ourselves, preferences. My husband said he had only a handful of people around whom he could be himself…honestly, though, I’m not certain I have even a handful. I hide at least a little of myself from everyone, even those who are closest to me.
Even this blog…it is a cross between candidness and hiding. I might sound like I am really opening up, and in some ways this is true (for I am not lying). At the same time, I am not saying all sorts of things, whether because I know someone I actually know might be reading it (some of my friends have already checked out this blog more than once, even though it’s rather new), or because I fear being misunderstood even by people who don’t know me very well. So what I really think gets watered down, and my ideas never take shape the way they might if I weren’t afraid.
I was listening to Springsteen’s “Secret Garden” yesterday, and I was struck by the truth of it. Even my husband, who is my best friend, my closest companion, even he does not know everything. I have questions about myself that I simply cannot share with him. These questions are too dark to be understood, and I find myself uncomfortable with them. I can only imagine what he would think if he knew those secrets, those questions.
And that makes me wonder. What are we all hiding? Or am I alone in this? I cannot think so…for I see glimmers of secrecy in everyone around me. I see smiles which seem sincere, yet I sense a twitch in the cheek, or a wincing sort of expression in the person’s eyes, some incongruous nonverbal cue that suggests what they say is not all they are thinking.
Then again, I feel grateful I can’t hear what they are thinking. What if they are thinking bad things about me? Some problems I might be able to remedy if I knew, but other opinions may simply hurt me. Perhaps that part of us–the part we hide even from those we most love–is meant to be hidden. Perhaps we need those secrets to stay as they are…secret…until we feel safe enough to tell our secrets to the world.
