Sep 19 2008
Get Over It
I am amazed at what people expect from marriage. Now, since I’ve only been in one marriage, I can’t claim experience, but I do have 15 years of it, so bear with me. I was reading an article on MSN about what the author termed the “Mid-Wife Crisis,” where supposedly women in marriage past the first few years were all languishing around, finding their husbands completely unacceptable as life partners–in other words, “dreaming of divorce,” as she put it–but they didn’t choose divorce because they didn’t know how that would go financially (would I be able to live at the same level without his salary?)…
In other words, most women wanted a divorce (men are pigs, after all), and the only thing that keeps them from taking the plunge is a reluctance to give up their huge walk-in closets stuffed with 10,000 pairs of shoes in their McMansions.
Do I sound bitter? Maybe that’s because I am. Right now I am taking care of much of my house, doing most of the cleaning, laundry, kid rearing, etc. HOWEVER, my husband is going to a job every day to make nearly ALL the money we live off of. Yes, I do most of the shopping, but I have the money to shop because of him. Yet my husband isn’t my “sugar daddy,” and I am not his kept woman. Even though our roles are VERY different right now, we are partners, taking care of both sides of our world in relative isolation.
Now, it would be great if this is not the way it had to be. I would love it if we could both work 20 hours per week and still get his fabulous salary. But adjunct teaching, even in the relatively great state of Washington, doesn’t pay much at all. In some places, I’ve earned 1/10 of what a full-time professor earned to teach the EXACT same class (okay, perhaps my class was a little better). So there is no way for me to teach a 1/2 time load and earn half of what my husband does.
Yet, according to this author, I am supposed to feel angry that he’s not pulling more weight at home. I am “naturally,” though secretly, wanting out.
And it simply isn’t true. And I resent (if you haven’t figured it out by now) the idea that if I’m unhappy, I need to be looking at him to solve that problem. I’ve heard the rant: If only he put his clothes in the hamper, if only he mowed the lawn more often, if only he watched less football, if only he cooked dinner more often, if only he commented on what I wear when he sees me, if only…if only…if only…
The problem is, if I’m not happy, I won’t be happy, no matter what he does. It’s up to me to make myself happy. Not him. And if I’m not happy, I need to figure out what’s wrong, do specific things to help myself, and get happy.
And if I can’t get happy, perhaps I need to get therapy.
(Thank God I’m happy.)
ouch! Maybe you should be moving to Ontario with your sister (not that she is, but I keep trying
)
Even at my worst pay rate, I usually make about half of what I make when I’m “real” … i.e. if I teach 3 or more sections I count as partial load and make a decent wage… but even when I’m only part time, it’s not SO bad.
I think things are different in the US though - here, there isn’t the same need to have someone work full time to get health care benefits.
So, since my husband is the stay at home dad and I’m the breadwinner, does that mean Lee wants a divorce? Where will he put his ten thousand shoes?
I can do my own talking (as can Lee). I don’t think I need someone to decide what I want or even imply that I’m as shallow as whoever “they” are.
Partnerships are more than being taken care of. Anyone who lost a wife for such a stupid mindset is better off - and vice versa.
Ross jokes that my never-ending education is his retirement plan… could well work out that way, although now that he’s found a new job that he likes, I suspect he’ll keep at it for longer than he thinks… it’s seasonal (here) though, so he’ll be off over the winters.
We both contribute to varying degrees at various times - as long as we’re covering our bills and making progress on paying down our line of credit (a result of paying his sisters WAY more than the deserved after his mom died) … it’s all good. This year, because of my scholarship, I’m able to contribute more … but if I don’t get one for next year, it won’t matter… he’ll carry more of the weight without complaining.
They make shoes for dragons?
How do you think they entice damsels, flit?