Dec 10 2008
Bittersweet Colors of Life
Oh, for the past, when I thought everything is merely good or bad. According to developmental theory (I think it’s Chickering, but don’t quote me on that), most COLLEGE FRESHMEN come to college still in that mode, believing everything is black or white–it’s called dualism. Whatever they believe is right–or good–is totally right or good (parents, religion, politics, you name it), and whatever they believe is wrong (same categories apply) is totally wrong. Debate is moot, for their beliefs are totally correct, and they will argue forever that they are right.
But then, without even trying, the vast majority move into what is called multiplicity…in a few years, they realize that everyone doesn’t look at the world the same way, including themselves, and that there are plenty of ways to see the world, all of them gray.
I thought, when my husband told me about these levels, that the description was actually wrong. I had seen some gray areas in the world before I started college, but my world was still, for the most part, black and white. Yet what I ended up with wasn’t a world of gray but of rainbows. And the rainbows are in everything, for better and for worse.
Take marriage. Society labels it as some pristine thing, two united as one, exclusively heterosexual, monogamous, etc. It should be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I speak from the point-of-view of someone very happily married when I say it ain’t so. I deeply love my husband, but he can be really annoying. And bossy. And pig-headed. And I know that from experience, because I can be just as annoying, bossy and pig-headed (it takes one to know one). Perfect marriage isn’t. It isn’t some white, pure essence that fills me with happiness. Instead, it’s a mix of white–a sort of peace, for me–and red (romance), blue (devotion), yellow (annoyance), chocolate brown (comfort), orange (anger) and many other colors, all rolled into one. It’s a huge, interesting mixed bag of colors, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way (though I’d love a little less of the yellow and orange).
But everything is this way. I love playing piano, but it isn’t just greens, blues and purples (my favorite colors). It’s tangerine (nerves), forest green (frustration), and such a rainbow of feeling. Just yesterday it was romance, for I played a soft, sort of sexy version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” for my hubby (adding, no doubt, to the marriage rainbow).
If you’ve had kids, I don’t have to explain the rainbow to you. The deepest blacks of my life exist here (when my kids are sick–or when I’m up all night with them–or when I have nightmares about them dying), but they also bring some of the brightest, softest, warmest colors to my life. And that rainbow will only become more dramatic when they become teenagers, I imagine.
Writing holds this same bittersweet rainbow for me, the darkest colors reserved for fear of failure (poop brown–sorry, but I couldn’t think of a color more fitting), depression (black), rejection (reddish-orange) and writer’s block (gray). But the rest of the rainbow is there, too, and the darker, meaner colors just add contrast so that the bright ones show up better. They make the brighter stuff worth it. And they make the experience deeper.
What rainbows are working on you? Instead of pushing the unwanted colors away, embrace them. They are part of the experience, and they are telling you more about yourself than you know.
Oh, I’m a color person, no doubt about it. I get you on the marriage thing, and the entertainment thing and the writing thing. I don’t think about the colors (nor do I limit myself to colors - like a gourmet, I like textures and smells as well).
You’re also spot on for examining yourself and your current spectrum. Can’t enhance the colors you like best if you aren’t paying attention to those that add strife. And, sometimes, that strife, that frustration, that rejection can be used as fuel to do more than you ever would have otherwise.
By the way, bittersweet chocolate is my favorite. Just sayin’.
I think, without the dark colors, I wouldn’t have anything to write about at all.
And that would be boring.
I hate boring.
I agree. We need the not so great times to remind us of what makes the great ones. I loved the color analogies; colors really do reflect and describe mood. That was a fun post to read!
I saw where you posted about playwriting. When I was a child, that was a hobby of mine, the style I picked up from reading the books of plays my father had. It was alot of fun and helped set the stage for all the writing I did as I got older. Best of luck in the group you joined.
I ran off my track for a second. I love your blog!
You should go back to theatre, ambrosiavenus… I wrote, too, when I was very young…and it was all plays (mostly retellings of fairy tales, and I don’t think I ever finished a version of one until after getting my masters degree–boy is that a long time to wait!)…
Writing plays helps me find the voices better in my novels, and it also helps me pare down the narrative far more.
Thanks for posting!