Mar 26 2009
Longing for Brilliance?
Why can’t I just be brilliant? Maybe it’s the same longing we often see when we try to lose weight, the whole why-can’t-I-just-lose-ten-pounds-every-week sort of longing. We want something to happen, but more importantly, we want it to happen now.
Do you ever feel the same impatience? I write for all sorts of reasons–therapy, conveying meaning, entertainment (my own and others’), passion, fantasy, you name it–but once the writing is down on paper (or, in most cases, entered into a document on my computer), I want something more out of.
I want it to be brilliant.
But, woe is me (and yes, I am whining), my writing pretty much isn’t brilliant. Often whatever I’ve written is downright dreadful… unfocused, boring, static, one-dimensional… and I get a handful of polite comments designed to not offend me, to encourage me to keep trying, yet to make it clear that whoever it was didn’t LOVE what I did.
And I can’t blame them. I usually don’t like it either, especially once I’ve given myself some distance from it.
Even when my writing’s okay, it still doesn’t get to that great level, the I-can’t-put-the-work-down level that I so long for.
So, what’s a girl to do? Truthfully, I might have given up by now except that my writing eats at me when I don’t attend to it (as it’s eating at me now, since I haven’t written on my regular stuff for weeks). Perhaps I should just turn recluse, like Emily Dickinson, hiding within the delusion that I’m brilliant but only I know it.
Then again, maybe I’ll just take my punches… and grow from them. It would be easier to hide, but even if abject humility doesn’t agree with me, it probably does me more good than I’d like to admit.
Okay, whining day is over… I need to get to work!
Who is to say what is brilliant? The fact that your writing eats at you when you haven’t given it enough attention speaks of who you are, a writer. So write away and never stop. It gives others enjoyment and fulfills who you are. Each one of us is our own worst critic. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Yes, whining day is over; I look forward to seeing more of your postings.
I know I’m not alone in this… I feel for everyone who is willing to put her stuff out for others to see, which includes pretty much any blogger who does more than post articles by other people.
And neenee, you are right. I just need to get writing. More than likely, my NOT writing on anything truly meaningful to me–cover letters, resumes, and the like do nothing to relieve my itch to write–is what’s causing my insomnia, my overall edginess.
I have much to do today (I’m going on vacation), but I plan to carve out at LEAST an hour or so to write something new.
Thanks for the encouragement!
I feel like that many times. Then I’ll walk away from it and come back a day later or so and realize just how brilliant I really am
Seriously, it’s all about perspective.